I’d like to start by wishing you a happy 2017. May world peace and eternal happiness be forth coming! #optimist
2017 is only 3 days old and I’ve come to the biggest realisation in years. It’s a feeling I’ve had for a while but that I wasn’t able to properly voice or explain until now.
In a few days my blog will be 4 years old (#congratulations) and in those 4 years my life has known many changes and I’ve shared them all with you. As you well know, I became a mother almost 3 years ago and life hasn’t been the same since. I love my kids to death but three years of being either pregnant or on a diet while being sleep deprived has taken it’s toll.
I haven’t felt like myself in a while. Especially since I’ve gone back to work. Being an introvert, it’s always difficult to start teaching at a new school, but this year round it seemed even more daunting than ever. Like I’ve gone about this one to many times and I just don’t have the energy to do it all over again.
While I got my household affairs and the care for my kids in order, schoolwork and hobbies fell to the background, as did taking care of myself.
I’ve been struggling with my body for the past 11 months. I’ve gained weight since I gave birth, so I can’t really blame the baby. And while I don’t think I’m fat or unhealthy, this body just doesn’t feel like my own. I thought it would get better but it doesn’t. Especially since in my mind I’m still as skinny as I was pre-baby (or in between babies). My aesthetics haven’t changed either, but what once made me feel da bomb, now looks ridiculous.
All in all, I’m going through a major identity crisis style wise.
While a non-sewist would just go shopping and try out new outfits, I felt obliged to sew every single one of my garments. Needless to say this wasn’t happening, especially since I was sewing out of necessity rather than fun. I was sewing because I needed new clothes to wear. Which limited my projects to either fast fashion, finished in an evening or failed garments because I didn’t have to energy to sew a muslin.
I noticed that my sewjo was fading and that I was only sewing when I forced myself to. I felt guilty when I just wanted to watch TV or read a book. I felt like I had no time at all to sew, but when I did, I procrastinated so long, that there wasn’t any time left to actually sew. It didn’t stop me from planning and buying fabric though and I thought that if I bought just the right piece of fabric all my problems would be solved.
Obviously that didn’t happen. So I realised that feeling bad about a self imposed rule/agreement/deadline is just foolish. I shouldn’t feel bad because I’d rather watch tv than sew.
So I’ve decided to start 2017 afresh. I’ve cleared away all my sewing machines, made myself a little reading nook, occupied some more desk space for schoolwork, because I need a sewing break. I need to break this vicious cycle. I need to want to sew instead of having to sew.
I still love sewing, just not now and not for this body. That being said, this blogpost might just be the kick in the butt I needed to get my sewjo back, but if it isn’t, so be it.
I’ll still read blogs and sewing magazines and drool over fabric, I’ll just slow it down to what I truly feel like doing.
That was it!